Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 9.

This is the 9th installment of Online Dating Profiles. The Agony. I actually only expected this series to last for about 6 weeks, but scanning online dating profiles never fails to give me fodder. This week, every person featured makes me believe that I’ve grossly underestimated the mental capacity and eloquence of people like Gary Busey, Mike Tyson and Bjork.

The quotable Gary Busey.

Rest assured, most people don’t have profiles that are as outrageous as this week’s features. Truly, the only help most people need is with their online presentation, which is why my marketing and writing expertise can help.

Now that I’ve given you my comforting preamble, get ready Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 9. I don’t know whether to suggest popcorn or Vicodin.

Mr. Great Catch says:

I hate this part because no matter what you say, someone is going to take it the wrong way and even if you said it the right way it might be taken wrong in the right way which to some might seem wrong altogether. So, how about if you just write and ask and then I’ll tell you plain and simple, kay?

Miz Classy claims the following:

I am a sophisticated lady. I princess turned queen. I’m looking for a refined man with good manners. My prince. I’m a fit, over 50 woman of class. I’m a grandmother, that’s right but I’m the GILF : ) I’m actually above average, in all ways!

As you read the following I’d like to note that “proofreader” is actually one word:

I like ’em tall and smart. Short and dumb need not apply. Funny is really sexy. But smart is frickin hot as h.e.l.l. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are VERY important. I was a proof reader. sentenses lik this make me crazzy. If your pictures aren’t current, then leave me alone. I don’t have any full body shots.If you don’t like that, then pass on by. Okay, so if you still want to try, I dare you.

Mr. Not your Daddy has all this charm:

I’m your night in shining armor. I’m going to move you in and support your kids in one month, marry you within a year and we will live happily ever after. My life will revolve around you. You can have full access to my bank accounts and run my business.

BULLSHIT! that may be what you want to hear but here is the truth………………
Everything I have is mine. I have worked my ass off for it. I had nothing after my divorce. You are not moving in and you can’t borrow my truck. I have an ex-wife and she irritates me. I have to deal with her because of my son – who I love. I don’t have to deal with anybody else’s BS and I won’t. Not yours, your family’s or your friends.

Ms “oh for the love of god man learn to edit” (yes, I made that up) goes on and on:

PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AN INTIMATE ENCOUNTER. I DO NOT HAVE A NEON LIGHT FLASHING ON MY HEAD SAYING FAWK ME. *Please do not lie about your age, your height or how old your pictures are. All my information is accurate, I expect the same.* Looking for a man that is smart, clever and confident with no drama or past hang ups. I CAN NOT STRESS NO DRAMA big or loud enough. You have drama, if you’re insecure, jealous, lack self confidence, or act like a 2 yr old in a disagreement…PLEASE DRIVE ON BY.

Looking for someone that has a zest for life a sense that is more positive than negative.

If you are messy: eat and leave the plates on the floor, can’t wash your dishes, laundry piled a mile high, house smells like your pets or your body odor…it won’t work out. That stuff grosses me out. Now if you have gotten this far….don’t you really think it is in good interests to say something more than…”Hey, how are you?” or “Hey” or something along those lines that really doesn’t require much thought. If I do not reply back to you…you’ll know why if you actually read to this point….

That’s it for this week. Hope you enjoyed it.

If you want your online dating profile stand out for all the right reasons – be sure to get started by going straight to the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an outstanding online dating profile. The next step, of course, is to submit it to me.

If you like the blogs, then I think you’ll like the tweets. Would love to see you on Facebook too.