Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 20.

I scan online dating sites all the time. I read countless dating profiles by sincere, well-intentioned people whose only challenge is that they don’t know how to market themselves. I also have the good fortune to deal with the nicest clients imaginable – genuine and interesting people – who enhance my life every single day.

As such, I need balance. I need – nay, I crave – the Agony Series the way Elvira craved camp and hairspray. I love that, among the millions of well-balanced singles dating online, there’s always a
heaping handful of lovely lunatics to make my world
right, and here are this week’s:

A woman who just gives and gives:

“If a user requests money on this site it’s a scam”….Got that fellas? Don’t be asking me for spare change to feed the parking meter…oh wait! …that means I can’t ask for donations of your spare change to a worthy cause of buying a new set of BIG boobies….(that sure sucks). I need a man for each season. One for spring (please own a rototiller), one for summer(please own a lawn mower), one for fall(please own a leaf blower), and one for winter(please own a snow blower) P.S. please send a pic of your rototiller A.S.A.P. :0)

I have to admit, I agree with him about the smiley faces:

These are a few of my favorite things:  fish….tight jeans…..high heels…..sex…. I will get back to you on the rest….my mind wandered.And a few of the things I dislike: people who don’t look in the mirror before they go out in public, jumping smiley faces in your profile, know-it-alls, alcoholics, narcissists, and chain smokers  – please do not contact me. I’ve dealt with enough drama and certainly do not want any more.

Move over Rumi, there’s a new poet in town:

A WOMAN’S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who’s not a creep, One who’s handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who’ll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he’s gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?” I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN’S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit. The End

Well now, here’s a pleasant little story:

A friend and I were discussing fairy tales. I shared with her something I wrote: I don’t believe in fairy tales. You see My Prince Charming turned into a venomous toad. Every time he drank his potion he spewed vulgarities at me. My glass slipper was crushed along with my heart. So now I’m rebuilding my castle with mighty guard dogs. Please leave your letters of suggestion, wise ass comments and your professes of undying love for me in the box outside my castle door.

Just to reiterate – most people dating online are balanced and sincere. Their only challenge is an inability to market themselves, which is why my writing and marketing expertise can help. I’m trained to find out what makes you remarkable and then – using words and anecdotes that I collect from all the questions I ask you (and I ask a lot!) – I write a profile that makes you stand out and get noticed.

Check out the online dating samples of my work. Better still, go straight to the personality quiz.  It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an online dating profile that’s remarkable (in a good way!).

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