I once had a client who went on a date with a man she met online. By the date’s end, she realized he wasn’t quite her style. Still, he phoned a few times afterward and sent her some text messages to see when they’d get together again.
This annoyed her.
“I thought I was clear that I wasn’t interested”, she said. “What do you mean by clear?” I asked. “Our values were obviously different”, she replied.
Note that she used the words “clear and obviously”. Yet, when I asked her if she told him that she wasn’t interested, she said no because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
Worse still, when the date ended and he asked if she’d be interested in getting together again, she awkwardly agreed. Or rather, she lied.
Men do the same thing by ending a date with “I’ll call you.”
I’m sure they think that they’re trying to avoid hurting the person too.
I don’t know what exasperates me more:
1) Setting someone up to believe you like them – only to have them slowly, but surely realize that they’ve been lied to, thus leaving them to feel embarrassed, disappointed and played.
Or
2) Lying to yourself that you’re doing this not to hurt them. After all, when we avoid coming clean, it’s because we’re avoiding discomfort for ourselves. There’s nothing altruistic about it. It’s callous, immature and completely self-serving.
What to do instead.
In the emails or calls leading up to that first meeting, I suggest that you say something along the lines of “Let’s meet and enjoy ourselves without even thinking about a second date. It can make the end of the date awkward. Instead, let’s have the date and then be back in touch afterward”.
Why this works:
Men don’t have to lie and say, “I’ll be in touch”.
Women can avoid a face-to-face rejection while, nevertheless, dealing with it a respectful way over email or the phone (I don’t ever recommend email or text breakups once you’re in a relationship, by the way).
What if you have no choice?
Sometimes the best plans go awry. Your date might be having a great time and, as such, spontaneously ask if you’d like to do this again. If you don’t want to, be honest. It’s kinder. They’ll clue in eventually anyway.
All you have to do is say some variation of the following:
“I really enjoyed myself but I don’t see this as working in the long-term and I can’t really explain why.”
By saying, “can’t explain why”, you’re not stuck giving reasons. After all, it’s just one date. At some point we know that these things come down to chemistry, which is inexplicable.
Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s difficult to reject someone. However, it’s a reality and you need to be prepared for it so that you do it with decency.
Question for you.
No one likes to be rejected. However, if it were to happen to you – how would you want someone to do it?
A final note about online dating.
If you want to weed out wrong matches, then be sure to have a profile that makes clear who you are and who’s suitable for you. To do that, let me help either through a phone consultation or a completely customized profile using your words and anecdotes (so that it’s honest).
Here are my services. Here are samples of my work as well. Here’s where you get started with the personality questionnaire. Once you’ve completed it, send your answers to me for online dating success.
