The notion of a potential mate being “out of one’s league” is crass, insulting and arrogant. It’s also not entirely without foundation.
In many cases we do tend to pair up with matches similar to us in looks (not to mention intellect), thus dating “within our league”. After all, hitting on someone much more attractive not only means entering a more competitive arena, it also puts us at greater risk of rejection.
In evolutionary terms, where would that leave us?
So, though we may superficially find ourselves attracted to the “beautiful” people, ultimately many of us make choices based on realistic odds. At least, that was true prior to online dating.
Somehow, in an environment that initially competes on looks – many people nonetheless go against all odds and choose “out of their league”.
In real life, what a person lacks in looks, they can make up in charm, intelligence and good humor (not to mention wealth and all the promise it holds). There are numerous matches that aren’t similar to each other in looks.
However in online dating, during those first few minutes that singles enter the fray, all they do is look at photos. Only after certain photos have passed individual standards of attractiveness, does anyone look at the profiles and evaluate personality and values.
So, despite being in an environment where looks are the only dimension on which a choice is initially based, time and again people contact matches who they’d never dream of approaching offline. Because of digital distance (versus a face-to-face), a rejection might sting a little less.
To some, it’s worth the risk.
But is it? Online dating can be difficult on the self-esteem. If you’re contacting matches who are out of your league, then, over time, it can have a negative effect on your self-confidence. I’m not suggesting that you don’t attempt it. I’m suggesting that, if you do, be aware of the odds and don’t let them hurt you.
After all, if you do get rejected, it’s not you who’s being dismissed. It’s merely your picture. In addition, a one-dimensional photo never truly represents a person’s looks – and they most certainly don’t represent a person’s true beauty. I’m not throwing around trite clichés. I genuinely believe that beauty comes from within and I’ve seen proof.
Nevertheless, here are a few tips I can suggest to singles online dating:
Three tips regarding dating and choosing “out of your league”.
1) If you choose “out of your league”, your profile and emails might well overcompensate for any differences in your level of attractiveness versus that of your matches. So don’t let realistic odds stop you from going after whomever you please, and do make sure you make a great presentation with your profile and emails.
2) If you choose “out of your league”, chances are you’ll be overlooked. Don’t let this affect your self-esteem. If you find that it does, then stop online dating or, better still, start choosing based on more than just outrageously good looks.
3) If you’re having a difficult time being objective about who’s out of your league and who isn’t, then ask yourself – is this someone I’d feel comfortable approaching in real life? If that person isn’t, then it’s probably because you don’t really see a match.
A few final words about online dating.
First, I apologize for addressing the topic of a person being out of another person’s league. To me, it’s an ugly subject. However, given its reality in the world of online dating and how it can affect self-esteem, I felt it needed to be addressed.
That said, I’ve always been a believer that beauty comes from within. Since I started writing dating profiles, this has been confirmed over and over again. Regardless of looks – and I’ve had clients who fall between all ranges – I’ve learned that everyone has real gems. It’s just a matter of knowing how to uncover them and make them shine online.
That’s where my talent comes in. I start by finding the unique anecdotes and traits that make you engaging and attractive (we all have them!). I then write the profile using your words and expressions so that it’s all very true to you.
Check out the samples of my online dating profiles and see how I do it.
Or, get started with the personality questionnaire and send your answers to me.
