Online Dating Profile. The Agony, Part 6.

To quote the warnings prior to most HBO shows: The following content is not suitable to all audiences. Seriously, if you have unshakeable faith in humanity then this, the 6th installment of a weekly series, may cause you irreversible damage. I don’t want that on my conscience.

From Ironhold at deviantart.com

Once again I’m featuring excerpts from some of the most remarkable online dating profiles I’ve seen while scanning various dating sites throughout the week. As always, I want to make clear that these dating profiles don’t reflect the norm. Most people write fairly generic profiles that don’t attract attention. Then there are those, like the following, who attract all the wrong kind of attention.

Ms Looking For An Employed Male:

Have a job. Don’t lie. Don’t take drugs. Aaachoo I’m allergic to bullshit. We clear? Looking for an employed man. No drama. Tired losers. Married 3. Not looking for more. It’s not rock science. I’m fun and laugh A LOT. I even wake in the middle of the night and giggle! Grab life by the …you know whats …while you can!

Ms. Heart Candies All Over Your Profile:

I love to fish, hunt and carry a gun. I don’t know why but I do. I also like sports a lot. Guess I coulda been a man but I’m a girly girl even though I’m low maintenance and don’t wear makeup unless it’s really important and I’ll curl my hair too, lol. I’m all woman and you’ll know it when I cry at movies. My favorite are action though. So that’s good.

Mr. Everyday:

I’m pretty normal with a troubled past. I quess im tired of getting hurt. It hard for me to love again so please note that it will take time for my heart to be repaired, just looking for the right woman to put it back together. I’m not like other guys. I don’t drink much. I work, pay bills. I don’t hit my woman when I’m mad or when she talks to other guys. I’m very reasonable.

Mr. Bright Side:

Don’t like talkin to guys? Get over it!!! It does not hurt to talk to a guy. So if I am not your type, or I have a habit you don’t like, at least if a guy contacts you. Have a little common courtesy and let them know you are not interested. I am not Gods gift to women and I really hate this part. I know I am not perfect, cause I am a man but that’s what you’re here for isn’t it? Or are you looking for those Metrosex guys?

Excerpt from Nice Guy’s 7 paragraph rant:

This is a tribute to nice guys like me. Guys that finish last, never become more than friends, endure hours of whining and complaining about what jerks guys are, who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you. The only conclusion I can form is that girls are illogical, manipulative ****es.

These profiles are truly outrageous. They stand out for all the wrong reasons. Most people are much more congenial and well-intentioned than this. All they need is someone to help them present themselves better so that they stand out for all the right reasons. That would be me! As an ad writer and marketing expert for the past 20 years, I can help make your inbox go from empty to full of promise!

Check out the online dating samples of my work. Better still, go straight to the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an online dating profile that’s remarkable (in a good way!).

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Would love to see you on Facebook too.