Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 17.

Roly poly Barbie Heads.

I once worked with an Art Director with whom I tried to bond by applying all the usual techniques common among humans. If we both liked an activity, I’d say “I like that too.” If she recounted an experience that I had shared as well, I’d say “That happened to me too.” If she had an opinion I agreed with, I’d say “Me too.”

Despite my efforts, the more I tried to bond through similarities (though few and far between), the colder she became.

One day, she suddenly yelled, “Stop!! Stop finding things in common!!!! I’m unique!”. She then tried to stare me down, but her eyes kept shifting uncontrollably from left to right. I felt both awe and fear, feelings that heightened after I attended her art exhibit – a room filled with naked, mutilated Barbie dolls glued to canvas.

I finally realized that my former colleague was not as unique as she’d like to think. There are others out there who are just as nutty as she is. I know because I picked out a number of them when reading online dating profiles.

On that note, I hope you enjoy this 17th installment of “Online Dating Profiles. The Agony”. As you read on, please keep a perspective – not only are these excerpts, they account for just a small (though deliciously kooky!) percentage of online daters. Most people are amazing. Most dating profiles are average. My service makes them as great as they can be.

Now then, reassurances and plug aside, I hope you like the read:

Ms. Full of exclamation marks is, well, full of exclamation marks:

i am a 39 yr old woman with three kids! i am raising them on my own! my kids come first! i dont want any drama or someone who lies! i want open and honest always even if it can hurt!i love to laugh so u better have a good sense of humor. i have been dating alot and think that if ur first kiss doesnt have a spark then move on! i need someone whose kiss can make me melt! if u r just looking for a one night im not it!
i grew up on long island and love the beach! i also love baseball! i am a people person!

I like that he says “no offence”:

content herein, is explicit and SHOULD NOT be viewed by MINOR’S or the faint of heart: No offence but IF YOU HAVE..Bucked-teeth, Pimples, Hallitosis, bowed-legs, 3 eyes, 2 left feet on one leg, one nasal passage, a child on the way, one hairy arm and ARE NOTTTTT a bar-goer? Please respond! You already have 99% of the “LADIES” on here beat. Please, bisexual ladies need not apply. I am heterosexual and my lady MUST be as well. Not even that one time in College.

I suppose he’s not totally off base. Rock Hudson was a man’s man:

There is something missing in our society: real men. I’m a rare breed. There’s a door? I will open it for you. Got a coat? I will help you take it. There’s a chair? I will slide it out for you. The Black and White movie era was all about chivalry. Grant, Bogey, Astaire, Stewart and Rock Hudson – those are “Real men.” They’re man’s men Not a Mc Creamy, McSteamy, McDroopy or McPoopy. No Girlie-guys. Just man’s men.

I can’t help but wonder if this woman spells out words when she talks:

I am not the type of person who will go out of their way to make an i.m.p.r.e.s.s.i.o.n*Im not a b*tch I just don’t take sh*t from people*I have my f.l.a.w.s n I am not afraid of them*I know I am not p.e.r.f.e.c.t I take everything to h.e.a.r.t I learned that it takes awhile to find out what someone is r.e.a.l.l.y like *I believe that karma IS a b*tch and you always get what you d.e.s.e.r.v.e in the end I DISLIKE People that s.w.e.e.t talk you just to get what they want.. *People that aren’t h.o.n.e.s.t or t.r.u.s.t.w.o.r.t.h.y..

On a final note, most people online dating are just normal people doing their best to attract good matches. The only crazy mistake they make is not hiring me – a professional ad writer and marketing expert – to make their online dating profiles catch attention and keep it for all the right reasons. It’s what I’m trained to do.

Still not sure? Then check out the online dating samples of my work.

Better still, get started on uncovering some of your unique traits by completing the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but it’s an important first step in writing an online dating profile that’s remarkable (in a good way!).

If you like the blogs, then I think you’ll like the tweets. Would love to see you on Facebook too.