Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 18.

Legendary for so many reasons.

When it comes to radio ads, it’s a copywriter’s job to write a script and then hire an announcer to read it in a studio where it gets recorded. At some point in a copywriter’s career, if not at several points, a studio engineer will inevitably play a recording of Orson Welles reading a script about frozen peas where he goes into one long, surly, condenscending rant. It’s both shocking and entertaining.

Though announcers are usually decent, friendly people doing the best they can, Orson Welles proved to be the most entertaining of exceptions. Naturally this brings me to the subject of online dating where most people are doing the best they can and where the exceptions are often as deliciously demonic as the legendary Mr. Welles himself. On that note, I bring you this week’s “Online Dating. The Agony” where I feature excerpts of the week’s most maniacal online dating profiles:

Yes, but clearly crack is okay:

I AM NOT a “Bar-Bimbo”, “Club-Critter”, “Dance-Floor Diva”, “Lounge-Lizard”, “Pub- Princess”,” Vodka- Vixen” and last BUT NOT least … the ever so popular “WINO”. Alcohol is the most dangerous drug in our society. There are soooo many functioning alcoholics out there. I seem to have met all of them. You would not believe some of the stories I have accumulated over the years. I really would love to meet a non-drinker. Men posing with a drink while 1/2 lit, is NOT what I am looking for. Alcohol induced smiles are a turn-off, as are club photos with drunken hoes hanging off of you. I’ve had it with drunkards.

Well, at least he knows how to change a lightbulb:

I’m not a “FLY-BOY.” I can dance like no ones business, BUT, it’s not my scene, baby. I grew up and left the “party-scene” where it belongs….In the 80’s. So, is going out with your GF’s every weekend what you have in store for me? save yourself the tears and keep on truckin’. Greasy-haired clowns bumping into us on the dance-floor is NOT GOOD. Bumping into my woman? Umm, definitely not a good idea. So, I avoid those situations. I’m the type of man that will dance with you while standing in line wherever, whenever, I’ll drop everything and grab ya. I am all about Public Displays of Affection. I have a PHD in Kissing. I even picked the PHD level of education on my profile cause the only difference between myself and a PHD is……I can change a light-bulb.

I have no idea what this profile is saying:

I’m a modern day “Dragon-slayer” and I know you are as well. As I massage your neck and shoulders, eying your recently blood-stained battle-sword, I think to myself….”SELF, this woman is a keeper.” The beast is enormous and she never tore her LULULEMON’S slaying it. — I’m a “Got your back” kinda guy. If you are not the same and have no back-bone? It won’t work. PS: Love: Is like peeing your pants. Others may see it, but only YOU know how HOT it really is !

I’m trying not to read too much into “I don’t DO animals”:

Hi, im Kyley. If you dont like thick tan confident chicks , stop reading. Im not into egotistical , abusive, childish, or lazy men. I expect a man to have a job car and his own place at this age. ~~~ i dont do animals. pets belong outside as do cigarettes in my world, sorry fellas.

Oh great, now I have terrible anxiety and nightmares:

SOME PEOPLE CALL ME ABRASIVE, I CALL IT BEING REAL. SO PUSH OFF AND BACK OFF IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I SAY. I SAY IT ‘CAUSE YOU NEED TO HEAR IT. AS FOR ME, MY STORY: IS SOOO LONG IT WOULD TAKE 3 SETS OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS TO TELL IT. FOR REAL. LIFES BEEN A CONSTANT STRUGGLE. I COME FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY WHO ARE SOMETIMES EMBARRASSING. I CANT SAY I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER EITHER. I HAVE TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES AND ANXIETY. BUT I TAKE MEDS FOR IT. SO DON’T GET ON ME ABOUT THAT.

As always, I want to reiterate that most people dating online are just doing their best. Their only flaw, if you will, is an inability to present themselves or, more accurately, market themselves. That’s where my service can help. As a professional ad writer and marketing expert I’m trained to make your personal ad get attention (for all the right reasons) and keep it. Check out the online dating samples of my work and see for yourself.

Better still, get started on uncovering some of your unique traits by completing the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but it’s an important first step in writing an online dating profile that stands out (in a good way!).

If you like the blogs, then I think you’ll like the tweets. Would love to see you on Facebook too.