Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 19.

The argument against procreation.

It’s back. After a teeny break (I’ve been swamped and can’t thank all of you enough for sharing my blogs and making my business grow), the next installment of Online Dating Profiles. The Agony is ready to entertain you.

Years ago I saw one of the funniest condom commercials ever. I happened to see it again the other day and realized that everything, from the scene to the cautionary message at the end, makes me think of certain crazed online daters.

These outrageous nutters all have parents who, at one time, went from whoopee to “oopsy” in a matter of months. Poor things.

As you read through the following dating profiles, please keep a sense of humor and know that these people do not reflect the norm. You can meet wonderful people on dating sites. All you need is a great profile that promotes who you are and weeds out who you don’t want.

Without further ado, enjoy Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 19.

This lady presumes that stalkers are the crazy ones:

READ MY PROFILE BEFORE YOU CONTACT ME. CRAZY STALKERS WITH POOR SELF ESTEEM THAT HARASS GIRLS THAT TURN THEM DOWN OR OLDER MEN DO NOT APPLY! OK — Gentlemen, if you have ever called a girl from a different number because she was ignoring you — do not contact me. If you have ever had to change an email or an instant messenger to contact a girl who has blocked you — do not contact me. If you stalk and harass girls on social networking sites, do not contact me. If your initial response to a girl who does not want to get to know you on this site is to send her harrassing and hurtful emails — do not contact me. If you are over 36 do no contact me. I find it very frustrating when I get creepy emails from men closer to my father’s age. He is 53 years old. My name is not Anna Nicole Smith. I do not care how much money you have or how young at heart you are — I am just not interested. If I do not return your email —  don’t send me 32443 emails, for months and months.

I love that she just inadvertently implies that she’s mediocre:

I want a man who is bigger, brighter, stronger and smarter than me. If a guy is my equal he’s not a challenge. I am not looking for an equal. Why look for a winner by shooting for mediocrity? I want a brilliant mind, strong character, inner strength, education and worldliness. Handsome looks and a passion about what he does for a living are always attractive. In short, I am looking for a magnificent mind in Superman’s body. WARNING: I love to argue, and if you back down too easily, I will lose all respect for you- so don’t disappoint me.

Wow, specifications right down to the sleeping arrangements:

please have your life together…no sociopathic ex’s stalking you…a job…be over the abuses and ready to move on…is there any women out there that haven’t been abused by a jerk i should clarify that i’m looking for someone without kids…i like to travel at a moments notice…i have learned that teens that can’t be left alone for a weekend will never be able to let mom have a life…i want to be number one…i am also interested in someone that works a regular 9 to 5 job with weekends off…i am settled in my home and career here and if we are the same, we can betogether alternating weekends at one anothers place.

Sent by a client with a note that read “the thought of her procreating makes me weep”:

Hi! Would you please marry me? And knock me up? Time is running out! I’m thirty-f..ing-seven years old! I don’t really care who you are, what you do, or what you look like. After all, I’m a professional, independent, well-educated, attractive 30-something woman living in Manhattan who wants to have a family; beggars can’t be choosers, right? Let’s be realistic! I’m not getting any younger, fellas. Oh wait, I don’t wanna scare you off here…. Forget all that. I have HUGE titties! And if you marry me, you get to play with them as much as you want, honest!  You: have a pulse and you want to get married* and impregnate your wife in the next 12-24 months.

As you read through these, let me remind you that the dating profiles featured here are not typical of the norm. Most people do their best to write in a way that’s appealing. The only challenge is that they don’t have the expertise to market themselves effectively, which is where my services help.

Check out the online dating samples of my work. Better still, go straight to the personality quiz.  It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an online dating profile that’s remarkable (in a good way!).

If you like the blogs, then you’ll like the tweets. I’d also love to see you on facebook.