Bubbly Kristen Stewart.
Before I paste excerpts of online dating profiles I’ve scanned this week, I need to make this very clear: few people know how to market themselves on dating sites. Most everyone could benefit from the help of a marketing expert and ad writer. People do their best and actually don’t do too badly. However, to really stand out, that’s not enough.
Then there are those who are not like most people – and this will become painfully clear as you read on. These people need a professional’s help (and I mean with all its subtle implications) in the same way that Kristen Stewart needs to be tickled.
Here, for your education, are excerpts from some of the most outrageous online dating profiles I’ve seen this week, or that you’ve sent to me (thanks for contributing):
Nothing wrong with having faith, but she doesn’t even mention an activity!:
A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her.” I’M ONLY INTERESTED IN MEN WHO LOOK AT WOMEN THROUGH GOD’S EYES, NOT “WORLDLY” EYES. The Bible defines the type of relationship that God intended for a man and woman’s eternal happiness together. I am SAVED and Single and looking for a man of God. I LOVE GOD and love to laugh! Let’s pray and laugh together!
Ms Criteria (yes, I make up the usernames) requests the following:
Don’t message me if: you walk slow (leisure speed should be 3.0 miles per hour…people who walk slower tend to be obese or elderly); you talk too closely; you have a tattoo and guitars; you like music with screaming or yelling — i.e., music that comes off as homocidal anger – that’s right not homicidal…that music tries to chase the gay away but fails as proof of the leather pants and vidal sasoon hair.
Mr. Easy Going writes this:
Do I like cats?…depends on the sauce!
Shoot your television, I mean really when was the last time somethng meaningful came out of it? I will get 3 times as many responses when I write something here…really? We’ll see…
Mr. Don’t waste my time encourages romance this way:
I’m in the process of negotiating my divorce – nearly released from captitivity!!- but still have time and good attitude for relationship – better be better than what I’m leaving though. Ten years of no fun, no sex and no decent meals, lol!!!! Can’t be too hard to find better right!!! I like sports, good food (but not that veggie crap), movies and books – even self-help books.
Thought I’d add an email excerpt sent to me from a woman who, in fairness, let this man know she needed to see a photo before committing to any further communication.
Respond, and if I deem you worthy, you get to see my pic. I have zero tolerance for BS. I have a high level job and no one knows I’m separated. Don’t be so quick to be put off. Your pic is lovely. Your message to me wasn’t.
Just to reiterate – most people write profiles that are not at all offensive. Their only challenge is the fact that they don’t know how to promote themselves. As a marketing expert and professional profile writer, I love to help with that!
Check out the online dating samples of my work. Better still, go straight to the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an online dating profile that’s remarkable (in a good way!).
If you like the blogs, then I think you’ll like the tweets.
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