Online Dating Profiles. The Agony, Part 7.

I recently read a quote by 23-year old pop star, Ke$ha. It went like this: “I actually don’t read anything, because I feel like the haters really like to hate out loud, [and] that people who love sometimes love quietly. So I don’t really listen or look at anything.”

This confused me and I read it several times with the sincere belief that I must be not grasping some subtlety or hidden message.

The incomprehensible Ke$ha.

As it turns out, she simply didn’t make any sense. Which brings me to this week’s blog, the 7th installment of “Online Dating. The Agony.” Once again, I feature some of the most incomprehensible online dating profiles that I’ve scanned on dating sites this week. There’s no point in trying to make sense of these. They have no more logic than Ke$ha seems to have or Kanye West for that matter. Oh and Joaquin Phoenix! Or, Sarah Pallin and…well, you get my drift. As you read these, take heart. Most people dating online are regular people who simply don’t know how to present themselves in any remarkable way (which is why my writing and marketing expertise can help).

This dating profile was written entirely in point form. This is just a short – and I do mean short – excerpt:

You must:
. Smell good (no Aqua Velva!)
. Have no problem with me calling you dude.
. Keep me on my toes and make them curl.
. Read books and have done so since high school. I won’t discuss Brave New World. I only discuss recent fiction or non-fiction, or true classics.
. Not be country guy who likes “nature” and log cabins. Pluuuuzzzz.
. Open my car door (or I won’t get out!)
. Pay for dinners at least once a week (I will pay occasionally too)
. Have no exes who are mad at you and no kids on drugs

Mr. Not Quite What You See comes with fine print:

About the picture – I know longer have a beard or mustache, and I have new glasses. I’ve also gained a bit of weight but I’m on a strict diet so should be back to normal soon. I like sexy woman and you got to be smart two. I’m a smart guy and no bullship. I like to go out to my local pub for a few cold beers on Friday night. I wont change that.

Mr. I’m Looking for Long-Term, but first…:

I’m looking for a serious relationship with a woman who is intelligent, attractive and well-kept. However, before I enter any committed relationship, I will need to know that we have chemistry. I mean no disrespect but I’m not going further until we sleep together. I’m just out of a 8 year relationship and, we did not sleep together for at least the last 7 months. I will not tolerate a sexless relationship again. I promise that if the chemistry is there, I will commit. I’m not a player.

Ms Still Looking laments:

I’ve been on this site forever. I’ve tried to meet guys here but they turn out to be freaks who can’t seem to tell a picture from a real live woman. Hello…all my pictures are of me! All are recent! I don’t think it’s fair to say that I don’t look like them and then say that I’m not what you expected and you don’t call again. What you see here is what you get so don’t get all freaky on me.

Mr. No Time for a Girlfriend says:

I want to find my soulmate but I admit I’m a workaholic so I hope you’ll be okay with not seeing each other too much. I work a full time job and a part time job and all for a long term goal in a short amount of time. All work and no time to really date a pretty lady. I usually have but one real day off from both jobs and that is Saturday so if you’re looking for a serious relationship with a good hearted guy and are free on Saturday nights then I’m you’re man! I’m not looking for anything physical so don’t worry. I don’t have time for that.

Hope you enjoyed the blog. Remember that most people write regular profiles and nothing quite so outrageous. However, as a marketing expert and profile writer, I can make your profile go from the “average” profile to a truly outstanding one. It’s what I’m trained to do. I also really enjoy it!

Check out the online dating samples of my work. Better still, go straight to the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an online dating profile that stands out.

If you like the blogs, then I think you’ll like the tweets. Would love to see you on Facebook too.