What does a relationship expert know about online dating?

You know when something seems right, but upon closer inspection…

About 20 years ago my friend Claude was sure that his neighbour had snuck into his loft and stolen his CDs. He was consumed with finding out if this guy was the culprit. So, we devised a plan. Claude would wait for his neighbour to leave and then he’d phone me. He would keep his phone off the hook (this was before cell-phones) while he snuck into his neighbor’s loft. Meanwhile, I would listen should his neighbor catch him and try to kill him, at which point it was my job to call the police.

Plan in place, Claude put down the phone and headed out on his covert mission. Just as I heard his footsteps recede, I called him back. “I know where you live, but I don’t know the address”. He gave me the address and headed out again. Just as his footsteps receded again, I called him back, “what’s your neighbor’s loft number?”. If he was going to be tragically killed, I wanted to be sure to send the police to the right unit.

Finally, I had all the necessary information if Claude needed to be rescued. I heard his footsteps receding and, this time, waited patiently on the phone for his safe return. That’s when it hit me – even if I did hear sounds of his bruised and bloody demise, I couldn’t hang up and call the police because, as long as Claude’s phone was off the hook, my phone line was tied up too.

Basically, our plan sounded good on the surface. This brings me to the subject of relationship experts giving online dating advice. Sounds good on the surface, but there’s just one problem: online daters don’t need relationship advice, they need a relationship.

The other day, a friend sent me a link to a Canadian daytime talk show that had a segment where a relationship expert was helping singles in the audience improve their online dating profiles. More than once, the host said, “it’s like marketing yourself” and yet, despite acknowledging this, she wasn’t getting advice from a marketing expert or ad writer.

One of the first tips the relationship expert gave was to look at what you like about other profiles and then incorporate them into your own. Ouch! I always recommend that you check out the competition and make sure that you don’t do what they’re doing – even if it’s good. Otherwise, how can you be unique and stand out?

The expert also critiqued two profiles. One began with “Thanks for stopping by my profile. I’m looking for SINGLE men…” The relationship expert correctly pointed out that the sentence carried the negative implication that men who weren’t single had hit on this woman. Her advice was to keep a profile positive. She then critiqued another dating profile because the photo posted was long, thin and had clearly been torn where a male companion had been standing.

The advice she gave was basic information. It’s available on my website and posted for anyone’s use. The advice she didn’t give is what really mattered to me.

The woman who wrote, “thanks for stopping by my profile” made a big marketing mistake. She began her ad in a way that lacked interest and wouldn’t engage a reader. Worse still, she sounded nothing more than nice and polite, which is the very least you can be. There’s a lot of competition out there. You need to raise your bar.

With regard to the woman whose companion had been torn from the photo she posted – I was more concerned about the fact that her photo showed her without glasses. Given that this woman wore glasses when she was being featured on a national TV show, she appears to need specs. The relationship expert didn’t even note this discrepancy to find out if the woman’s look usually included glasses. And if so, her online dating photo should have been more accurate.

As a result of having their profiles critiqued by a “relationship expert” whose expertise had nothing to do with marketing or writing online dating profiles (kind of like Ellen being a judge on American Idol because she likes music!), these women now think that their profiles are good. They aren’t good. They’re merely not bad and that’s not good enough. The profiles I feature in my “Agony” series are outrageous. Those mistakes are very obvious. However, it’s the less obvious mistakes that can turn a profile into the written equivalent of hospital food.

Ironically, I’ve even seen relationship experts featured on dating sites.

So please, if you’re going follow advice, be sure it’s from someone whose expertise is relevant to the advice they’re giving. If you are in a relationship and need help – go to a relationship expert, but if you’re online dating, looking to start a relationship, then go to a marketing expert.

Better still, if you need help with your online dating profile (or if you’re a show producer doing a segment on online dating and who wants to provide audiences with real value), go to a professional ad writer and marketing expert…me.

Check out the online dating samples of my work. Better still, go straight to the personality quiz. It costs nothing to do, but will help you uncover some of your unique traits, which is the first step in writing an online dating profile that’s remarkable (in a good way!).

If you like the blogs, then I think you’ll like the tweets. Would love to see you on Facebook too.